Enough

I don't give a fuck what anyone says, I know Lullabies was the dude made for me. As gay as it sounds, it's like we have tethered souls or something equally gay as that. It's like this, I always know when that dude is thinking of me, looking for an excuse to talk to me. I can always just feel 'it'. Everyone laughs at me, dismisses me and tells me I'm crazy but then...BAM! Incoming text. Every. Single Time. It's like a discount Walmart version of Spidey Sense...you know, the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' thing but more like, 'with great power comes a great big sack of bullshit'...who needs that?!? Obviously, I do...because life is a funny little bitch who likes giving it to me in the ass any chance she gets.

I had always said that I never wanted to live in a world where Lullabies existed and we weren't, at the very least, friends. But things change and people rearrange. I read an article today that said, "If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are" I don't know where he and I lie. Maybe somewhere in between the two but what I do know is, that we can't be friends. In fact, I don't want him as a friend. He's a shitty fucking friend. While I love him and I always will, I just know that I'm tired of him and his bullshit. So when he texted me this past weekend, I wasn't surprised. However, unlike before, I didn't feel giddy when I saw his text pop up. I wanted to respond but not like I have in the past with a cute inside joke or some other witty remark. More than anything, I just wanted to tell him that he was a shitty friend and that there just wasn't any sense in texting me anymore. But I couldn't do that either. To me, it felt like telling him anything along those lines wouldn't be any type of fun and it would make me seem like...I don't know...manipulative? Desperate? Crazy ex-girlfriendish? Whatever. But on the other hand, I felt like ignoring him would come across as a game. Bitches always say, "Silence speaks volumes'. But I don't have volumes to say and I never want to be a bitch to his asshole. I just want him to figure his shit out, leave me out of the equation and if our paths ever cross again one day, I want that whole Batman movie line about smiling at each other from across the room thing. So while I was going back and forth over what to do, I had a revelation: I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. Anymore. Yeah, it was weird how it hit me. To love someone with every fiber of my being, to know that this man was made for me but to still not give a fuck what he thinks or feels...totally surreal. So I decided on not texting him back. Why say anything? Or give a fuck how he interprets my silence when the bottom line is, I don't fucking care anymore. I never thought I'd be here but thankfully, I am. Now I can move the fuck on. FINALLY.

The thing is, the 'it' feeling hasn't gone away yet. So while I say that I don't care, I can't help but to wonder what his next move is and more importantly, what mine will be.

Peace, Love & Baseball,