It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken

Once upon a very very long time ago, I was a 27 year old hot piece of ass. I had the world at my finger tips. I had it all - the beauty, the brains, the body, the job, the car, the apartment, the...you get the point. I was young, beautiful and ready to take over the world until I made one terrible misstep. Fuckface.

Fuckface was my demise...ok, I let Fuckface be my demise. I had convinced myself that I was in love with him. I wasn't though. It was all ego. I just couldn't understand why an old, fat, short man with adult acne, short T-Rex arms who wasn't funny, smart and was poor as fuck didn't want me. So there I stayed constantly tap dancing, selling myself on how great I was to a man who thought that I was, at best, ordinary. It took me SEVEN LONG MOTHER FUCKING years to get over that selfish fat fuck...and my impossible ego.

I tried everything to get over him. While the truth is nothing really worked until I decided I had enough with living the way I had been, there was something that kinda helped me through the process.

Now brace yourself because what I'm about to say helped me is not only kinda cliche but it's also pretty lame. I used to read a book about break ups. Not a big deal? Well, I read it more than once. Waiting for it to get worse? It was called, "It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken" written by the same dude who wrote, "He's Just Not That Into You"

I can feel the judgement...hell, I'm even judging myself.

In the past when I was really down and I thought I was really determined to let Fuckface go, I'd read through it. I was convinced it had the key I needed to break free. Eventually I realized, like that bitch Dorothy, that I had the power to leave all along. I just needed to believe in myself.

I still took a lot from that book. They said a lot of shit, that no matter how lame it is, made a lot of sense. I believe in that book so much that anytime a friend was going through a heartbreak, which is pretty often, I'd send them a copy of it.

It's been almost 3 weeks since I've seen or talked to Lullabies. THREE WEEKS. Not only is that a record breaking streak, it's also been pretty easy to stay away until...

Last Friday I was driving to meet my family for a baseball game. I've been pretty stoked about it since it's my beloved Giants and they haven't played here since the 2010 World Series. On my way to my mom's, I started to tear up. Thoughts of him, how excited I was, how much I wished he was going, how the ticket my little brother's girlfriend was using was really bought for him all flooded my mind. So miserable that when anything good happens, I only want him at my side. So I allowed myself a good cry and pulled it together for the game.

On my way back home I was high on the game, the Giants, time with my family and well, ok beer. My thoughts couldn't have been further away from Lullabies and then it hit me. Like a swift unexpected a kick to the back of the head, Lullabies is seeing someone.

I have no evidence to support my theory nor do I intend to go looking for it. But I know with every fiber of my being that as I type this, there is someone else in his arms. She's getting his toothy grin and goofy laugh. She's getting all the kisses that were once mine. And tonight, it will be her that's laying on his chest falling asleep to the rhythm of his heart, smelling the scent of his skin all while being tangled up in him. You're probably wondering how I know all of this if I haven't talked to him; especially since this man has ZERO social media presence. I can't stalk and keep tabs on him like my exs do to me. But I do. From the day we met, we have always had this uncanny, unexplainable connection to each other that defies all reason and logic. It's pretty fucked up honestly.

If only I could shake this "know" in me that I was created for him.  I want to shake it...and him off. Just get past all of this shit. So I took out my rusty, trusty copy of, "It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken" and started reading it...but reading it this time is very different.

I'm not trying to take it in fast so I can get drunk on the words. I don't feel the key to letting him go is hiden in it.  I just feel sad. Hopeless. Broken and I can't stop crying. For the first time, I feel the words, their sentiments, the heartbreak and the pain. I am truly heart broken. I know now this book was written for people who feel like I do right now. Man how it stings.

While I'm not peeling through the pages looking for the key to release me from him, I can say for the first time, I can feel myself flirting with the thought of hope. Hope that maybe reading it this time, may have something to soothe my soul and bring enough peace to my heart to push through the darkness, even if it's just for tonight.

Peace, Love & Baseball,

Everyday.

I read an article the other day about breakups and letting go. It said that we don't miss the people we were with rather who we were when we were with them. It challenged the reader to think back to the times you miss them so you can see it's not about the love you have for them but the love you have for your ego. It went on to say we only miss them when we're lonely. Bullshit. Fuck you. I stopped reading it immediately.

I miss Lullabies. I miss the way he smelled, his goofy big tooth grinned, his stupid laugh, his cheesy t shirts, the way he chomped his teeth when he was drinking a new beer, I miss sitting next to him on the sofa watching shows on my iPad while he played PlayStation. I miss laying in bed, in the dark, laughing until we cried and talking for hours. I miss the way he looked at me when he thought I didn't notice. The way he'd hold my hand in the car. How he touched my face when we kissed. I miss the way his beard felt on my neck. I miss the beat of his heart and the rhythm of his breath while I slept on his chest. I miss how he always had to touch me while he slept and how he felt in my arms. I miss how we would laugh during sex. I miss how he knew what I was thinking and feeling...even if we weren't in the same room. We truly enjoyed each other. I never had so much fun doing absolutely nothing with anyone like I did with him. But it's when I'm happy on a perfect day that I miss him the most.

I miss him when I see a funny meme. On my birthday. When I close a big deal. I still catch myself looking for him when I say something that cracks everyone in the room up. I still listen for his laugh. I still find myself reaching for him in my sleep. We broke up on April 6th and there are mornings when I wake up  hoping, praying, that it was all a nightmare and that I'm safe in bed next to him.

When does it end?

He was made for me.

We were supposed to live happily ever after.

I'm supposed to be Mrs. Lullabies.

I should be thinking about what to make him for dinner tonight.

I should be shopping for a sexy costume to wear on his birthday.

But I'm not.

It was love. Where did it go?

How do I live in a world where he exists but isn't with me?

When will I be able to breathe again?


Peace, Love & Baseball,

Texts From the Ex

"Hi." - Me

"Uh, hi." - Lullabies

"How have you been?" - Me

"I've been good. What happened?" - Lullabies

"Happened?" - Me

"Yeah. You disappeared." - Lullabies

'Ugh. Oh. That." - Me

"?" - Lullabies

"I was hoping to avoid this conversation but if you really want to know, I'll tell you." - Me

"I wouldn't of asked if I didn't want to know." - Lullabies

"Ugh. Ok. You asked..." - Me

"When we were together it was you who would ask to see me everyday. It was you who asked for me to keep things at your place. It was you who went out of his way to make things comfortable for me in your home. I didn't ask anything of you. It was you who pulled away because it was "too much." I understood. I got it. So we became friends. I left you alone. I stopped inviting you to things. I started dating. We texted every day. We had sex. Things were fine until you pulled away again. I could only assume our friendship had become "too much." I could no longer deny that it was me that was "too much." Here I had given you everything you wanted and yet it was still "too much." So it stopped being fun. It didn't feel good anymore. Then suddenly, from one moment to the next, everything changed. I had a dream about you and in my dream you were familiar but we weren't. It was weird. From the day we started talking, I could see you always being in my life. Then when we got together,  I could see you being my life. I saw us married, having fantastic sex, always laughing until we couldn't breath, always geeking out together. But then after that dream, I could no longer see you in my life. It was clear to me my life is not supposed to be you. So I do what I do, I stopped." - Me

"It wasn't you." - Lullabies

"That's not important." - Me

"You couldn't at least say something?" - Lullabies

"Ha! No you sweet silly man. I warned you from day one. When I'm finally done, I'm done. No need for a talk or all the dramatics that come with it. It may take a while but when I'm ready to leave, I leave." - Me.

"But there was no warning. No explanation." - Lullabies

"Where you confused? Like seriously confused? Where you at home scratching your head wondering why I wouldn't respond?? Surely you are smarter than that. Surely you must know I am smarter than that. You made it clear I was not welcomed here. So I left. It was time to go.  Don't left your ego "confuse" you. Don't let it convince you I was were you wanted to be. And don't think for a second I'm going to let your ego confuse me into being drawn back to you." - Me

Peace, Love & Baseball,