Lullabies

Dear Lullabies,

Have you ever noticed how things seem to always happen in threes? Death, being a lady, charm, little pigs, wise men, laws of motions, suits...not even Beetlejuice is safe from the law of three. And for me, at least it seems, that things always happen in threes especially when it comes to revelations about shit I would rather avoid. I had a 'three moment' revelation this past weekend about you. 

First there was Bourbon Street. Then there was an unpleasant but not surprising text about you. And lastly, a really interesting interview about Chris Offutt I caught on NPR that all kinda aligned and made me realize that, well, I love you. And not in the 'you will always have a special place in my heart' kind of way but the inconvenient, unfortunate, gut wrenching, soul changing, makes me say gay things, turns me into a chick, kind of way that misses sitting next to you while you play video games. The kind that's cool with you needing downtime to regroup. The kind who finds your stupid goofy ugly Christmas sweaters kinda sexy. The kind that considers the annoying things about you just charming little quirks...even when its you being moody as all hell and inpatient as all fuck. The kind that would rather do absolutely nothing with you than anything else with anyone else in the whole world. You know the kind that even when you think you're at your worst, I still see you as the very best. I thought I could come back around, keep you at arms length and casually have sex with you and not feel a thing. But who am I kidding? You're undeniably, irrevocably the exception to all of my rules. You feel like home to me. Even when we don't talk or see each other, it's never weird. Never awkward. You're always familiar. Even when I do the unthinkable with you and cuddle, it just all seems to fit. We seem to fit. I guess if I'm honest with myself, I thought I could do the whole casual sex thing because I was trying to convince myself that some of you was better than none of you. But that's not me. It's not how anyone as awesome as I am should ever think...but I've never been here before. This was all new to me.  

I've dated a lot of guys. And like I've said before, I always thought my life was always going to be a series of affairs that suited my life for that moment in time. Nothing ever really lasting. Nothing ever really meaningful. But then out of nowhere it all changed when I met you. There is no one else on this earth that I can spend snowed in with and NOT want to murder. There is no one that can make me laugh the way you do. There is no one that gets me the way you do. I have never had so much fun having sex and laughing like I do with you...and that has turned me out the way you have. I've never clicked sexually with anyone like I do with you. Relationships aren't supposed to be hard, it's supposed to be like being with your best friend that you want to fuck all the time. You're my best friend that I want to fuck all the time. Literally. 

I hold chairs and serve on two different boards. I slay dragons for a minimum of 50 hours a week. I'm raising two men by myself. I have time consuming hobbies like golf, craft beer and binge watching TV in my underwear. I also have an awesome group of friends and family who like going on adventures and making memories. I know I already have a pretty awesome yet demanding life but I'm tired of dating. I'm ready to be with someone who wants what I want...to be single but together.  

I know I'm all over the place. I know I'm not being very eloquent but I think it's only because I am trying not to say the thing that I need to say the most. So I'm going to stop the rambling and just say it, is this all we are ever going to be? The occasional late night glass of scotch over sex until you find someone you think is better than me? Because if this is it, I'd really like to know. I met a really nice guy. I love you the most but if this is all I am ever going to be to you, then I don't want to not give this guy a fair chance because I'm holding out hope for you. I understand that there is a very good chance that this is all I am ever going to be to you but I can't lie to myself anymore and deny what I feel for you. I know I'm not perfect. I drink a little too much, work a little too much, can be a little too loud, I have a tendency to be selfish with my time, leave my shoes laying around, I snore, I send multiple texts to a single thought instead of one big one and that I get high at night to settle my mind so I can sleep but the important shit? I have. You won't find anyone better for you than me. I see you. I get you. But mostly importantly, I want to be with you. 

Peace, Love & Baseball,

30 Days Lullabies Free

Love is more fucked up than drugs. At least with drugs you can get help. Check yourself into a facility, counseling, 12 step programs, self help books.... alllll kinds of shit to get you off your choice of poison. But love, love you're just fucked. Ain't nothing you can do except sit in a corner crying, obsessing, laughing, talking to yourself, rocking like a mental patient, fiending for the one that broke your heart. And everyone including their mother is out there looking for it. Fucking. Bullshit.

I can't shake Lullabies. I date. I date guys hoping that one of them will fuck me. You know hit the reset button on my vagina, so I can knock my heart out my vagina and move on. But nothing is ever that easy, at least not for me. Every guy I date is a good guy. They all want to talk, get to know me and respect me. I just want to scream at them, "WILL YOU JUST FUCK ME ALREADY???!!!" What happened to all the men just wanting to get laid? Where are the dudes who are gonna grab me, throw me on the bed, rip my clothes off and fuck me into an oblivion?? Shiiiit, can a sistah at least get finger fucked...?!?!?

But honestly, even if I could find a dude man enough to pony up and throw one in me, it would probably only make me think of Lullabies even more. So I ask myself what good, if any, will a new dick do...??? Probably not a god damn thing. So I regress.

Full disclosure: I've been fucking Lullabies since...well, always. We fuck well together. Just texting him makes my nipples hard. For a while, fucking him was fine. I'd go over, walk up to his room, get naked, fuck him senseless, get dressed and thank him for the dick while I was walking out. He'd try to talk and cuddle but I wasn't having it. He left me. He left me because he didn't want me to be his girlfriend. So now he doesn't get the whore with a side of the 'girlfriend experience'. Fuck that noise. It was going fine. I was dating. I wasn't texting him. And then he decided to fuck it all up.

He decided to get all boyfriendish. Kissing me, talking to me, cuddling, asking about me...you know, all the shit he did when we were together. What. The. Fuck. Is. That. About. Telling me how awesome I am, being all intimate but yet, still not wanting to my boyfriend again.

Saying shit like, "You should be happy with me but I'm being an asshole." is confusing enough. But acting like he used to when he doesn't need to, is not only confusing but hella weird. It's not like he has to pretend to be into me for me to fuck him. I was fucking him just fine before. Why the change???

I came up will all kinds of scenarios as to why my steady no strings attached booty call has now turned into a fucked up porn version of the Twilight Zone. I've been going nuts trying to figure it out, no, trying to figure him out...and then it hit me. STOP. BEING. A. FUCKING. CHICK.

Who cares why he's switched it up.

Who gives a fuck what he's feeling.

Do I really want to know what's going on in his mind?

Nope. I have the only answer I really need to all questions I have about him: HE. DOESN'T. WANT. TO. BE. MY. BOYFRIEND. ANYMORE.

So now it's time for me to woman up, pop a Midol, change my tampon and for fuck's sake STOP FUCKING THE DUDE for at least 30 days.

So here it goes, 30 days Lullabies free. And I'm doing it old school. I'm not blocking his ass. Nope. I'm gonna take that mother fucker by the balls and make shit happen.

So expect me to post a bit more frequently. Expect them to be crazy. Because I'm going to tell you all the things I can't, won't and shouldn't tell him. Wish me luck....well wish me luck after tomorrow night. I'm going to see him give him a birthday porn star blow job and then walk out that door like nothings changed...just for him to see that everything is different.

Peace, Love & Baseball,