Broken Hearts

When I'm Gone

I went to the bar last night. Yeah, I know. What's new?! I don't go to get hit on or picked up. I go to a bar that sells real beer. A bar that is notoriously known as a sausage fest of married men. I go because even if I go in alone, I'm never alone. I have close friendships with the bartenders, the wait staff and most of the other regulars. It's my home away from home...the place I go so I don't sit at home in my underwear, watching good bad TV, smoking, eating shit I shouldn't and crying in my beer by myself. I'm like 'Norm' there but with a better rack.

Last night a married dude tried to bang me in his truck. The whole thing started when he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him about Lullabies and why he broke up with me, he like everyone else, was baffled. So I shot straight with the douche and told him what I thought. That it's probably because Lullabies doesn't see himself with me for some stupid superficial reason like I cuss too much, or drink too much, or work too much, or watch too much sports, or golf too much, or I'm too independent, or go out too much, or I smoke too much, or I tell crude jokes, or I'm too loud, or because I'm an unconventional mother, or that I'm a little too chubby...or, you get the point. But nonetheless, it's something superficial that really doesn't factor into being compatible with someone. He called my bullshit when I commented on the way I look. He said my looks had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. He told me the way I carried myself and how I looked made me very attractive. I didn't really put too much weight into what he said because he then went on to tell me how he couldn't stop staring at my tits unless he was checking out my ass or my legs. About that time is when he invited me to his truck. I kinda just chalked it up to him thinking I was vulnerable and that I was like most chicks and identified feeling better with sex. Much to his dismay, so not the case. While I do need a dick up in me...I don't need the fucking drama of a married one. So I took it as a compliment and walked away with my head a little higher.

Then a regular came in. We'll call him Zach because he looks IDENTICAL to Zach Galifianakis. I had shared the bar with him a few months ago when Lullabies and I were still together. At that time, Zach told me I would be pretty IF my eyelashes weren't so ugly. Uh? What? My eyelashes?!?! I'll admit it kinda fucked with my head a bit. I mean, who says that?!? Eyelashes...of all things...really???! Zach has since then apologized. Anyhow, Zach asked me about Lullabies. I gave him the story and he said I had NO reason to be insecure. BOTH said if he was attracted enough to be my boyfriend and bang me and if he is STILL banging me, that it's not the way I look....and to stop being a chick. That divorced dudes can be a little weird. To not stress over this guy and to move on to someone who will appreciate me because there are hella dudes that would totally be all about a chick like me. In all of this I had one stranger, one kinda stranger and two friends all remind me of what I bring to the table and more importantly why I shouldn't be afraid to eat alone.

While I'm fairly certain I will never understand why Lullabies suddenly from one day to the next decided he didn't want to be with me, I do know one thing. That I am, without a doubt, a badass chick. And bitches like me aren't a dime a dozen.

He doesn't know it yet but he's so going to miss me when I'm gone.

Peace, Love & Baseball,

Everyday.

I read an article the other day about breakups and letting go. It said that we don't miss the people we were with rather who we were when we were with them. It challenged the reader to think back to the times you miss them so you can see it's not about the love you have for them but the love you have for your ego. It went on to say we only miss them when we're lonely. Bullshit. Fuck you. I stopped reading it immediately.

I miss Lullabies. I miss the way he smelled, his goofy big tooth grinned, his stupid laugh, his cheesy t shirts, the way he chomped his teeth when he was drinking a new beer, I miss sitting next to him on the sofa watching shows on my iPad while he played PlayStation. I miss laying in bed, in the dark, laughing until we cried and talking for hours. I miss the way he looked at me when he thought I didn't notice. The way he'd hold my hand in the car. How he touched my face when we kissed. I miss the way his beard felt on my neck. I miss the beat of his heart and the rhythm of his breath while I slept on his chest. I miss how he always had to touch me while he slept and how he felt in my arms. I miss how we would laugh during sex. I miss how he knew what I was thinking and feeling...even if we weren't in the same room. We truly enjoyed each other. I never had so much fun doing absolutely nothing with anyone like I did with him. But it's when I'm happy on a perfect day that I miss him the most.

I miss him when I see a funny meme. On my birthday. When I close a big deal. I still catch myself looking for him when I say something that cracks everyone in the room up. I still listen for his laugh. I still find myself reaching for him in my sleep. We broke up on April 6th and there are mornings when I wake up  hoping, praying, that it was all a nightmare and that I'm safe in bed next to him.

When does it end?

He was made for me.

We were supposed to live happily ever after.

I'm supposed to be Mrs. Lullabies.

I should be thinking about what to make him for dinner tonight.

I should be shopping for a sexy costume to wear on his birthday.

But I'm not.

It was love. Where did it go?

How do I live in a world where he exists but isn't with me?

When will I be able to breathe again?


Peace, Love & Baseball,

Texts From the Ex

"Hi." - Me

"Uh, hi." - Lullabies

"How have you been?" - Me

"I've been good. What happened?" - Lullabies

"Happened?" - Me

"Yeah. You disappeared." - Lullabies

'Ugh. Oh. That." - Me

"?" - Lullabies

"I was hoping to avoid this conversation but if you really want to know, I'll tell you." - Me

"I wouldn't of asked if I didn't want to know." - Lullabies

"Ugh. Ok. You asked..." - Me

"When we were together it was you who would ask to see me everyday. It was you who asked for me to keep things at your place. It was you who went out of his way to make things comfortable for me in your home. I didn't ask anything of you. It was you who pulled away because it was "too much." I understood. I got it. So we became friends. I left you alone. I stopped inviting you to things. I started dating. We texted every day. We had sex. Things were fine until you pulled away again. I could only assume our friendship had become "too much." I could no longer deny that it was me that was "too much." Here I had given you everything you wanted and yet it was still "too much." So it stopped being fun. It didn't feel good anymore. Then suddenly, from one moment to the next, everything changed. I had a dream about you and in my dream you were familiar but we weren't. It was weird. From the day we started talking, I could see you always being in my life. Then when we got together,  I could see you being my life. I saw us married, having fantastic sex, always laughing until we couldn't breath, always geeking out together. But then after that dream, I could no longer see you in my life. It was clear to me my life is not supposed to be you. So I do what I do, I stopped." - Me

"It wasn't you." - Lullabies

"That's not important." - Me

"You couldn't at least say something?" - Lullabies

"Ha! No you sweet silly man. I warned you from day one. When I'm finally done, I'm done. No need for a talk or all the dramatics that come with it. It may take a while but when I'm ready to leave, I leave." - Me.

"But there was no warning. No explanation." - Lullabies

"Where you confused? Like seriously confused? Where you at home scratching your head wondering why I wouldn't respond?? Surely you are smarter than that. Surely you must know I am smarter than that. You made it clear I was not welcomed here. So I left. It was time to go.  Don't left your ego "confuse" you. Don't let it convince you I was were you wanted to be. And don't think for a second I'm going to let your ego confuse me into being drawn back to you." - Me

Peace, Love & Baseball,