Maybe

So. Maybe I was wrong. I honestly, truly believed that I wouldn't hear from Lullabies again.

But baseball...ugh, he gets me with baseball every single time. Fuck me.

But the facts still remain, I still feel don't feel anxious. I still wasn't excited to see his number pop up on my phone. He hasn't responded and unlike before, I don't care. I'm not checking my phone every five minutes...ok, seconds, every five seconds to see if he's responded. I'm not anticipating what he'll say next so I can come back with something equally clever. I'm not hoping our discussion about baseball will eventually lead to him asking me out. But fuuuuuck! I was just so caught up in being right about baseball, yet AGAIN, that it wasn't until after I hit 'send' that I felt a sense of regret creeping over me. Regret of the possibility of letting him open that big ol fucking can of bullshit he always seems to have.

But maybe, just maybe this wasn't a cheap ploy to get me to talk to him. Maybe this is the start to that whole Batman movie line about smiling at each other from across the room friendship thing I've been wanting. Maybe. Who knows. Perhaps my newly found sense of peace that he had finally let me go, is really just my peace of mind. Peace of mind that no matter what he throws my way, I will never again fall for him or his devil penis magic. 

Peace, Love & Baseball,

Privileged

For the longest time I was sad, bitter, angry, anxious and disappointed about things ending with Lullabies. I went from never believing in true love, to finding my soulmate, to realizing that I would have to let him go, within such a short period of time. I wish it would have lasted just a little longer.

But I'm not bitter anymore. I'm glad he loved me and thankful he taught me that I can be loved exactly as I am.

And with that, I'm no longer anxious. Suddenly out of nowhere, the anxiety I had with last week's text, lifted.  Letting him go was hard, it was even harder to do when he wouldn't let me go. But somehow I know, that he has.

While things between he and I didn't work out the way I would have liked them to have, I still believe that it all worked out exactly how it needed to. So for that, I will forever be grateful for the change he made in me. And so now my little black heart is just a little bit bigger and a little less black. Thank you Lullabies, I will always love you.

Peace, Love & Baseball,