Day One?

If there is one thing that Lullabies is totally consistent with, it's disappointment.

If there is one thing that I'm totally consistent with, its my inability to say no to that dick.

I had plans to see Lullabies on Wednesday night, the night before his birthday. I had every intention of walking in, pushing him down on the sofa, give him my signature porn star blow job and walk out. You know, go out with guns a blazin'. But true to form, he cancelled. Some bullshit about having a bad day at work and not wanting to be around people. What. The. Fuck. Ever.

So I went to the bar to have a drink, wait for the sun to go down and drop off Lullabies' birthday gift at the door.

Everything went as planned until that fucker texted me that I should have knocked. He says he wants to be left alone, until I'm close and then he wants me there?!? I didn't buckle. I didn't go back. But before I pat myself on the back, it had everything to do with the fact that I had a flat tire. Had my tire not been flat, I probably would have gone back...and fucked him senseless.

While I was determined to leave him alone on Wednesday, the absence of his dick in me as planned, made it impossible.

I was confident that playing golf on Thursday would distract me. But it didn't. I went over there. We talked, laughed, goofed around, had sex, cuddled and fell asleep. Bullshit.

As much as I failed on my first day, two things happened. First, I woke up at 3am and left. I didn't stay cuddled up with him like he wanted me to. Second, he said 2 very fucked up things to me.

The first was him being relieved that I had decided to give up dating and the other I can't remember, except that it was really bad...but not bad enough for me to not fuck the living shit out of him.

He didn't get the porn star blow job I was originally going to give him but I still fucked him every which way but loose. *shrug* What can I say? I'm a really weak and horny woman.

Yesterday he texted me about the night before. I should have known something was up. He was inquisitive about the night before. He wasn't joking or reminiscing about the night before like he normally does.

Last night I saw Magic Mike and the only thing I wanted after watching that movie, was his dick in and around me. But I didn't text him. I didn't fuck him. I texted him right before the movie started goofing on him about an inside joke. After 2 hours and ten fucking glorious minutes of Magic Mike, that mother fucker hadn't texted back.

So I started thinking. This is what he does. He gets close just to pull away. He's the one with the kissing and the cuddling and the jealousy...not me. He's the one always pushing shit forward just to push me the fuck away.

Who needs this bullshit? Who needs someone who only texts when he's drunk? Not this bitch. So I blocked him.

Today I woke up angry.

I woke up fed up.

Today, he can go suck his own dick.

Fuck Lullabies.

Peace, Love & Baseball,

When I'm Gone

I went to the bar last night. Yeah, I know. What's new?! I don't go to get hit on or picked up. I go to a bar that sells real beer. A bar that is notoriously known as a sausage fest of married men. I go because even if I go in alone, I'm never alone. I have close friendships with the bartenders, the wait staff and most of the other regulars. It's my home away from home...the place I go so I don't sit at home in my underwear, watching good bad TV, smoking, eating shit I shouldn't and crying in my beer by myself. I'm like 'Norm' there but with a better rack.

Last night a married dude tried to bang me in his truck. The whole thing started when he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him about Lullabies and why he broke up with me, he like everyone else, was baffled. So I shot straight with the douche and told him what I thought. That it's probably because Lullabies doesn't see himself with me for some stupid superficial reason like I cuss too much, or drink too much, or work too much, or watch too much sports, or golf too much, or I'm too independent, or go out too much, or I smoke too much, or I tell crude jokes, or I'm too loud, or because I'm an unconventional mother, or that I'm a little too chubby...or, you get the point. But nonetheless, it's something superficial that really doesn't factor into being compatible with someone. He called my bullshit when I commented on the way I look. He said my looks had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. He told me the way I carried myself and how I looked made me very attractive. I didn't really put too much weight into what he said because he then went on to tell me how he couldn't stop staring at my tits unless he was checking out my ass or my legs. About that time is when he invited me to his truck. I kinda just chalked it up to him thinking I was vulnerable and that I was like most chicks and identified feeling better with sex. Much to his dismay, so not the case. While I do need a dick up in me...I don't need the fucking drama of a married one. So I took it as a compliment and walked away with my head a little higher.

Then a regular came in. We'll call him Zach because he looks IDENTICAL to Zach Galifianakis. I had shared the bar with him a few months ago when Lullabies and I were still together. At that time, Zach told me I would be pretty IF my eyelashes weren't so ugly. Uh? What? My eyelashes?!?! I'll admit it kinda fucked with my head a bit. I mean, who says that?!? Eyelashes...of all things...really???! Zach has since then apologized. Anyhow, Zach asked me about Lullabies. I gave him the story and he said I had NO reason to be insecure. BOTH said if he was attracted enough to be my boyfriend and bang me and if he is STILL banging me, that it's not the way I look....and to stop being a chick. That divorced dudes can be a little weird. To not stress over this guy and to move on to someone who will appreciate me because there are hella dudes that would totally be all about a chick like me. In all of this I had one stranger, one kinda stranger and two friends all remind me of what I bring to the table and more importantly why I shouldn't be afraid to eat alone.

While I'm fairly certain I will never understand why Lullabies suddenly from one day to the next decided he didn't want to be with me, I do know one thing. That I am, without a doubt, a badass chick. And bitches like me aren't a dime a dozen.

He doesn't know it yet but he's so going to miss me when I'm gone.

Peace, Love & Baseball,

30 Days Lullabies Free

Love is more fucked up than drugs. At least with drugs you can get help. Check yourself into a facility, counseling, 12 step programs, self help books.... alllll kinds of shit to get you off your choice of poison. But love, love you're just fucked. Ain't nothing you can do except sit in a corner crying, obsessing, laughing, talking to yourself, rocking like a mental patient, fiending for the one that broke your heart. And everyone including their mother is out there looking for it. Fucking. Bullshit.

I can't shake Lullabies. I date. I date guys hoping that one of them will fuck me. You know hit the reset button on my vagina, so I can knock my heart out my vagina and move on. But nothing is ever that easy, at least not for me. Every guy I date is a good guy. They all want to talk, get to know me and respect me. I just want to scream at them, "WILL YOU JUST FUCK ME ALREADY???!!!" What happened to all the men just wanting to get laid? Where are the dudes who are gonna grab me, throw me on the bed, rip my clothes off and fuck me into an oblivion?? Shiiiit, can a sistah at least get finger fucked...?!?!?

But honestly, even if I could find a dude man enough to pony up and throw one in me, it would probably only make me think of Lullabies even more. So I ask myself what good, if any, will a new dick do...??? Probably not a god damn thing. So I regress.

Full disclosure: I've been fucking Lullabies since...well, always. We fuck well together. Just texting him makes my nipples hard. For a while, fucking him was fine. I'd go over, walk up to his room, get naked, fuck him senseless, get dressed and thank him for the dick while I was walking out. He'd try to talk and cuddle but I wasn't having it. He left me. He left me because he didn't want me to be his girlfriend. So now he doesn't get the whore with a side of the 'girlfriend experience'. Fuck that noise. It was going fine. I was dating. I wasn't texting him. And then he decided to fuck it all up.

He decided to get all boyfriendish. Kissing me, talking to me, cuddling, asking about me...you know, all the shit he did when we were together. What. The. Fuck. Is. That. About. Telling me how awesome I am, being all intimate but yet, still not wanting to my boyfriend again.

Saying shit like, "You should be happy with me but I'm being an asshole." is confusing enough. But acting like he used to when he doesn't need to, is not only confusing but hella weird. It's not like he has to pretend to be into me for me to fuck him. I was fucking him just fine before. Why the change???

I came up will all kinds of scenarios as to why my steady no strings attached booty call has now turned into a fucked up porn version of the Twilight Zone. I've been going nuts trying to figure it out, no, trying to figure him out...and then it hit me. STOP. BEING. A. FUCKING. CHICK.

Who cares why he's switched it up.

Who gives a fuck what he's feeling.

Do I really want to know what's going on in his mind?

Nope. I have the only answer I really need to all questions I have about him: HE. DOESN'T. WANT. TO. BE. MY. BOYFRIEND. ANYMORE.

So now it's time for me to woman up, pop a Midol, change my tampon and for fuck's sake STOP FUCKING THE DUDE for at least 30 days.

So here it goes, 30 days Lullabies free. And I'm doing it old school. I'm not blocking his ass. Nope. I'm gonna take that mother fucker by the balls and make shit happen.

So expect me to post a bit more frequently. Expect them to be crazy. Because I'm going to tell you all the things I can't, won't and shouldn't tell him. Wish me luck....well wish me luck after tomorrow night. I'm going to see him give him a birthday porn star blow job and then walk out that door like nothings changed...just for him to see that everything is different.

Peace, Love & Baseball,