Lullabies

Dear Lullabies,

Have you ever noticed how things seem to always happen in threes? Death, being a lady, charm, little pigs, wise men, laws of motions, suits...not even Beetlejuice is safe from the law of three. And for me, at least it seems, that things always happen in threes especially when it comes to revelations about shit I would rather avoid. I had a 'three moment' revelation this past weekend about you. 

First there was Bourbon Street. Then there was an unpleasant but not surprising text about you. And lastly, a really interesting interview about Chris Offutt I caught on NPR that all kinda aligned and made me realize that, well, I love you. And not in the 'you will always have a special place in my heart' kind of way but the inconvenient, unfortunate, gut wrenching, soul changing, makes me say gay things, turns me into a chick, kind of way that misses sitting next to you while you play video games. The kind that's cool with you needing downtime to regroup. The kind who finds your stupid goofy ugly Christmas sweaters kinda sexy. The kind that considers the annoying things about you just charming little quirks...even when its you being moody as all hell and inpatient as all fuck. The kind that would rather do absolutely nothing with you than anything else with anyone else in the whole world. You know the kind that even when you think you're at your worst, I still see you as the very best. I thought I could come back around, keep you at arms length and casually have sex with you and not feel a thing. But who am I kidding? You're undeniably, irrevocably the exception to all of my rules. You feel like home to me. Even when we don't talk or see each other, it's never weird. Never awkward. You're always familiar. Even when I do the unthinkable with you and cuddle, it just all seems to fit. We seem to fit. I guess if I'm honest with myself, I thought I could do the whole casual sex thing because I was trying to convince myself that some of you was better than none of you. But that's not me. It's not how anyone as awesome as I am should ever think...but I've never been here before. This was all new to me.  

I've dated a lot of guys. And like I've said before, I always thought my life was always going to be a series of affairs that suited my life for that moment in time. Nothing ever really lasting. Nothing ever really meaningful. But then out of nowhere it all changed when I met you. There is no one else on this earth that I can spend snowed in with and NOT want to murder. There is no one that can make me laugh the way you do. There is no one that gets me the way you do. I have never had so much fun having sex and laughing like I do with you...and that has turned me out the way you have. I've never clicked sexually with anyone like I do with you. Relationships aren't supposed to be hard, it's supposed to be like being with your best friend that you want to fuck all the time. You're my best friend that I want to fuck all the time. Literally. 

I hold chairs and serve on two different boards. I slay dragons for a minimum of 50 hours a week. I'm raising two men by myself. I have time consuming hobbies like golf, craft beer and binge watching TV in my underwear. I also have an awesome group of friends and family who like going on adventures and making memories. I know I already have a pretty awesome yet demanding life but I'm tired of dating. I'm ready to be with someone who wants what I want...to be single but together.  

I know I'm all over the place. I know I'm not being very eloquent but I think it's only because I am trying not to say the thing that I need to say the most. So I'm going to stop the rambling and just say it, is this all we are ever going to be? The occasional late night glass of scotch over sex until you find someone you think is better than me? Because if this is it, I'd really like to know. I met a really nice guy. I love you the most but if this is all I am ever going to be to you, then I don't want to not give this guy a fair chance because I'm holding out hope for you. I understand that there is a very good chance that this is all I am ever going to be to you but I can't lie to myself anymore and deny what I feel for you. I know I'm not perfect. I drink a little too much, work a little too much, can be a little too loud, I have a tendency to be selfish with my time, leave my shoes laying around, I snore, I send multiple texts to a single thought instead of one big one and that I get high at night to settle my mind so I can sleep but the important shit? I have. You won't find anyone better for you than me. I see you. I get you. But mostly importantly, I want to be with you. 

Peace, Love & Baseball,

When I'm Gone

I went to the bar last night. Yeah, I know. What's new?! I don't go to get hit on or picked up. I go to a bar that sells real beer. A bar that is notoriously known as a sausage fest of married men. I go because even if I go in alone, I'm never alone. I have close friendships with the bartenders, the wait staff and most of the other regulars. It's my home away from home...the place I go so I don't sit at home in my underwear, watching good bad TV, smoking, eating shit I shouldn't and crying in my beer by myself. I'm like 'Norm' there but with a better rack.

Last night a married dude tried to bang me in his truck. The whole thing started when he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him about Lullabies and why he broke up with me, he like everyone else, was baffled. So I shot straight with the douche and told him what I thought. That it's probably because Lullabies doesn't see himself with me for some stupid superficial reason like I cuss too much, or drink too much, or work too much, or watch too much sports, or golf too much, or I'm too independent, or go out too much, or I smoke too much, or I tell crude jokes, or I'm too loud, or because I'm an unconventional mother, or that I'm a little too chubby...or, you get the point. But nonetheless, it's something superficial that really doesn't factor into being compatible with someone. He called my bullshit when I commented on the way I look. He said my looks had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. He told me the way I carried myself and how I looked made me very attractive. I didn't really put too much weight into what he said because he then went on to tell me how he couldn't stop staring at my tits unless he was checking out my ass or my legs. About that time is when he invited me to his truck. I kinda just chalked it up to him thinking I was vulnerable and that I was like most chicks and identified feeling better with sex. Much to his dismay, so not the case. While I do need a dick up in me...I don't need the fucking drama of a married one. So I took it as a compliment and walked away with my head a little higher.

Then a regular came in. We'll call him Zach because he looks IDENTICAL to Zach Galifianakis. I had shared the bar with him a few months ago when Lullabies and I were still together. At that time, Zach told me I would be pretty IF my eyelashes weren't so ugly. Uh? What? My eyelashes?!?! I'll admit it kinda fucked with my head a bit. I mean, who says that?!? Eyelashes...of all things...really???! Zach has since then apologized. Anyhow, Zach asked me about Lullabies. I gave him the story and he said I had NO reason to be insecure. BOTH said if he was attracted enough to be my boyfriend and bang me and if he is STILL banging me, that it's not the way I look....and to stop being a chick. That divorced dudes can be a little weird. To not stress over this guy and to move on to someone who will appreciate me because there are hella dudes that would totally be all about a chick like me. In all of this I had one stranger, one kinda stranger and two friends all remind me of what I bring to the table and more importantly why I shouldn't be afraid to eat alone.

While I'm fairly certain I will never understand why Lullabies suddenly from one day to the next decided he didn't want to be with me, I do know one thing. That I am, without a doubt, a badass chick. And bitches like me aren't a dime a dozen.

He doesn't know it yet but he's so going to miss me when I'm gone.

Peace, Love & Baseball,